Do you ever feel a heaviness or sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Or that gross feeling of regret or embarrassment? Shame is a horrible feeling. We have all felt it and we need to learn how to overcome shame -and live a life you love! We don’t have to live with it controlling us, but we have to work against it.
I am not perfect in this area but let me tell you I am going after it. When a memory pops into my head of something I am ashamed of I have learnt how to squash that thought before it takes me down an ugly path. Are you ready to learn how to overcome shame so that it no longer overwhelms you? These go-to tactics that I will share will help you learn how to disarm shame’s power, live in freedom from shame and will give you some practical examples to help you on your journey!
How Shame is impacting Relationships
I am very passionate about how to overcome shame, and I believe that it really could change people’s lives. I want to talk about how to overcome shame – and why it’s so much more important than you think!
Do you ever watch an older couple holding hands, and think how cute it is? They are still in love after all these years. I am sure we all long for a partner who would choose to be with us for the long run. Choosing us above everyone else.
However, having multiple partners in our lifetime is considered normal. We fall in love. Enjoy some happy months or years. Then decide that we have fallen out of love, or that person isn’t fulfilling us anymore…
The question is WHY? What is preventing us from having long lasting, vulnerable relationships that last? The answer is shame.
I know it sounds too simple to just blame shame. I also hear you asking are all our relationship failures coming from shame? Well, maybe shame isn’t to blame 100% of the time. However, it is definitely having a huge impact on relationships today.
Shame demands a Prescription
Firstly, let me describe the difference between guilt and shame as they can be easily confused. Guilt says ‘I did a bad thing’ and shame says ‘I am bad’ (because of the bad thing I did).
In today’s society millions of people have addictions such as:
- gambling
- over eating or anorexia
- porn
- busyness
- recreation
- retail therapy
- work
One of the biggest reasons for these addictions is that shame ALWAYS demands a prescription to numb the pain. If we are not feeling good about ourselves we look for ways to comfort ourselves or compensate for our inadequacies. This then results in strongholds or choking the life out of those around us.
Most of our lives our identity is in question, we are constantly trying to figure out who we are. Shame however, prevents us from living whole and healthy lives, it cripples us and prevents us from living out our potential.
Shame is continually screaming at us that we are not worthy or good enough. It then makes sense that insecurity, anxiety and depression are rampart in our society. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to overcome shame.
The reason I believe that shame has such a negative effect on relationships is that it self sabotages. When we constantly believe we are a failure, not good enough, or unworthy of love, then when we do find someone we love, we find some way to ruin it.
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How to overcome shame’s Power
Shame seduces us into secrecy and hiding which results in judgement. We blame others and ourselves for what we are feeling. Instead of reaching out and pulling people towards us we push them away, creating a self fulfilling prophecy that we are not worthy of love and acceptance, and the result is disconnection. It is so important to learn how to overcome Shame!
The other day I watched a TED talk by Brene Brown called ‘Listening to shame’. She had some very interesting points (I encourage you to watch it here, it only goes for 20 mins.) She said shame feels the same for men and women but is organised by gender. For example, for women shame is ‘Do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat.’ For men ‘never be perceived as weak.’
How to live in Freedom from Shame
I have struggled with shame, I don’t think there are people in this world who haven’t! Through this I have come to believe that the 2 most important things in how to overcome Shame are our beliefs and our self discipline.
You see the problem is that we are often fighting the symptoms of the problem instead of the source of the problem (the reason you are feeling shame).
Jesus told us that we can be Free! (John 8:32).
However, in order to be free of any dysfunctional addictive behavioural cycle we must know the truth about what is at the root of the bondage that has taken us captive.
Shame thrives in darkness, being hidden and kept secret. Anything that is kept hidden in darkness gets moldy, smelly and starts going bad. So a very simple yet effective way to prevent your shame from growing is to let it out in the light!
How to overcome Shame:
1. We have to talk out loud about our Shame.
Sometimes the only thing that we need to disable shame is to say it out loud to someone we trust. Shining light on something that has been happily hiding and growing in the dark exposes it for what it is and can sometimes even be completely eradicated by this one step. Exposing our shame and saying it out loud disarms it’s power and enables us to walk in freedom.
2. We have to recognize the voice of Truth from the lies of Shame.
Recognizing the difference between what is a lie and what is a truth about ourselves is vital to overcoming shame. For example, you have struggled all your life about not feeling smart, but you discovered that isn’t actually true. However, you may keep hearing that lie until you recognize it and replace it with truth. “then you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.” -John 8:32.
3. Be Vulnerable, learn to be Grateful.
Being vulnerable is a very important weapon against shame. Vulnerability however is not weakness. Dictionary.com describes vulnerability as: “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, open to moral attack, criticism, temptation and difficult to defend.”
I believe that vulnerability is the most accurate way to measure courage. You feel totally exposed yet you choose to keep walking instead of running away. Learning to be grateful is also helpful. It helps us focus on the positive, what we already have, who we are and what we can do. Don’t focus on the negative as that is a gateway for shame.
4. Empathy, an antidote for Shame.
Having empathy for one another is vital for conquering shame. Empathy is seeing the world as others see it. Understanding another person’s feelings. Being non-judgemental, and the ability to communicate another person’s feelings. Finding someone we can be safe and open with enables us to feel heard. When we feel heard we feel connected. Kris Vallotton (a pastor from Bethel Church) says “until we face the realities of shame, we will never subdue the strongholds keeping us from walking in and fulfilling our true identity and destiny.”
We all have a God given destiny, hope for a future, don’t allow shame to prevent you from living a whole, secure and free life! Talk to a safe person, don’t let shame stay inside and grow, be courageous and set yourself free!
If you don’t have a Bible yet, you can buy one here. Reading the Word of God is one of the number one ways to eradicate shame. The whole book is a love story from God to you. He wants to show you that you are worthy of love.
“Let me be clear, the Anointed one has set us free- not partially, but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back to the bondage of our past.” –Galatians 5:1.
If you enjoyed this post, you may like:
– ‘Declarations that could change your Life‘
-‘6 Books that Changed my view on Emotional Wellness‘
– ‘How to Cope When Bad things Happen‘
Thank you!!!
